~*LadyRachel’s Blog*~

This week I was walking down the sidewalk and on accident I stepped in a fire ant bed. Just my left foot. The fire ants crawled in my canvas skimmer and bit my foot and it hurt real bad. It was my first time ever getting an ant bite-yeah, almost 16 years of going w/o an ant bite. I’m not lying. Now I’m gonna watch where I step, b/c this ant bite looks as if 2 or 3 or 4 ants wanted to bite my foot on the same place. I’m just glad I haven’t gotten stung by a bee or a wasp or something. *shivers* I don’t like insects like that or cockroaches or spiders.

Yet, despite all of those fears of insects, I still manage to sit on my backporch after school and look at the sky and write and draw with my pastels. I guess it sounds lame but I really like it. Its really relaxing and sometimes if I can get away for awhile I go watch the sun go down. Its calming and its like every worry or thing that weighed heavily on your mind just goes away. I like to lay on top of the old picnic table in the middle of the backyard when sitting on the porch gets boring. You can see the sky better.

Thats why I really like sunshine. It makes me happy and at the end of the day its always nice to sit outside with a cold drink, journal & pen or a sketchbook and pastels. Sometimes I just lay outside and talk on the phone or just close my eyes and lay there. I don’t do it all the time but sometimes when I need an escape its one of the places or things I do. I guess its summer since I’m starting to break out my shorts, tanks and go outside. And also get bit by ants…which sucks!! But I’m glad summer is here/is coming…its my favorite season because the weather and how I can do whatever I want…well almost.

Sometimes I wonder why people try and talk about someone and follow them but then its like they can’t even admit what they’re doing and they act all innocent. If you’re gonna act you should at least be somewhat good at it. Maybe people hate showing their true selves so they be someone that they’re not. And at home they’re different. Everyone acts different at home but I’m talking about those people who put on a mask for people just so they can be liked. At home they’ll take it off but the next day, they are back to being artificial.  Sometimes people turn out to be someone who you didn’t expect them to be.

You think they’re your friend but then they do something like telling everyone that thing that they promised to keep a secret…or breaking their word to you, even if they knew how important it was to you…or whatever. No one can always keep their word, I know.

My friend had a thing going on at her school today (we go to different schools) and wanted me to go and invited me 4 days ago. I couldn’t get a ride and I had to turn it down. She said it was okay and our “other friend” was going-the one who used to be a best friend of mine till she went fake on me and started being a different person…one who cared more about the appearence of herself and name brand clothes…one who all of a sudden couldn’t keep her word…one who was in love with herself so much she focused on her. It was all me me me in her mind, it was never anyone else-except 1 who she ditched me, my friend and others for. She bossed this girl around and sounded more like a mother than a friend.

Maybe others are more forgiving. This “other friend” never apologized for all the drama she gave me a year ago or how now she acts as if she’s literally too good for me…and I hold nothing against her. I forgave her for all the crap but I feel bad cuz I don’t think my friend knows that this “other friend” did nothing but walk all over the people who were once at least somewhat important in her life. Those who were there for her-not cuz of her clothes, makeup, or materialistic stuff…but just cuz of the person she was. She was artificially our friend and not being real with us anymore, i remember. And I knew it’d never change unless she wanted it to. Appearences and stuff are good to care about and all but they shouldn’t get in the way of what matters most. I think of the words someone once told me:

It’s nice to be important…but its also important to be nice.

I don’t wanna sound lame but this is true. *shrugs*

OK, so this is really weird (isn’t every dream I have weird?) and I don’t know why I have dreams full of me getting adrenaline rushes and running to save myself from like everything that can hurt me and take my life just like that. But whatever. I don’t really think dreams mean much symbolism cuz yeah, its just your imagination and in the past I’ve had funky dreams and nothings happened. I did have my dreams interpreted using physcology (instead of using the stars and stuff) and it was really cool.

Anyway, so in the dream I’m walkin in my class and it starts out as a normal day. You know, nothing weird. Then all of a sudden the room gets dark and everyone grows knives out of the wrists (yeah, i know) and their eyes go red and their all bloody handed. So I back away and then I get chased. So I pick up my speed. A dog w/ one eye says, “Hello.” “Hi…” I say, feeling weird talking to a dog w/ one eye. “Go back in that room.” the dog says. “Why? They’re gonna kill me!!” I say. He growls and bites my foot. I began to wrestle with him and then I went back in the room, the door closing behind me. I was tied up and a knife was about to go to my throat. I kicked the person with the knife (someone who i know in real life who is one of the last people i’d expect to go and kill someone) in the face and broke free…somehow.

I took off as fast as I could but rats fell from the ceiling. I screamed but screamed louder when this big fat one (who went up to my waist and I’m like 4′11 1/2, so this rat was huge to me) came to me and sat on me. “Get off!!” I demanded. The rat farted and then got up. “Disgusting!!” I shouted at him and slapped him across the face (LOL) before running away. The dream switches to where I’m hanging off the top of a building (sorta like how the Wants, Needs and Fears post) and the person with the knife is there. I let go and fall deep to save myself. I land in a dump truck. “Oof!” I say and peel off the trash off me and hop outta the truck. I’m being chased by everyone in the class, the one eyed dog and the rats. I run as fast as I can even though I’m tired of running and am gettin weaker and weaker.

The dream ends where I’m at a dead end and I stop running, turning around slowly. Only to find everyone looking at me, ready to attack. I look around. What’s my weapon to protect myself? I think

My eyes flew open at 5:11 AM and I laid in bed and couldn’t fall back asleep. I’m not sleepy though…which is weird cuz usually I always am. I’m just hungry for a snack or dinner. hehe.

Last post I said somethin about being ansty and hoping to calm myself down. Finally, I think it weared off. Thank God. I was really freaking out because sometimes I’d do something and two seconds do it again…as if I never did it before. Isn’t that weird? I don’t do anything that would make me act like…that, but I dunno, it was weird. It was like I was really hyped up about nothing. I don’t know if anyone else feels that way, I hope someone does cuz it’d be weird if I was the only one who acted a little…strange(I guess thats the word) sometimes. Since I’m tapping my foot, I think it’s coming back though. I’d rather be like this though then in tears.

This weekend I cleaned up my room really good-surprisingly (me cleaning my room happens like never!), I’m pretty proud of myself. Especially for “risking” my life by going under the bed and cleaning up all that stuff underneath and finding a place to put my shoes (I have more shoes than space to put the shoes in.)

This past week has been really hard figuring out when to be nice and when to be not so nice to people. Some people make me wanna be not so nice but I know I probably should be nice. I used to find it easy to be nice but now some stuff are really testing me. Its like I just wanna lose it and explode but then I don’t cuz I know that if I do then I’m probably gonna regret it later on. I just think back to when I was telling my best friend on the phone a few weeks ago how I feel as if sometimes I’m too nice. Now its like I’m starting to that its also easy to be mean. I don’t wanna be mean. I get mad, yeah-I say stuff I really shouldn’t say…I do stuff that probably does nothing to help…but I don’t wanna be known for being mean.

I just really gotta hold myself back and figure out how to show patience to people and its hard to give it to people who just push me to the edge. Since I’ve been antsy I don’t think of it too much cuz I’m all bouncing and tapping and doing happy stuff. This week I’m gonna take control and figure somethin out about when to do what. And this is a really long post….

I’m really antsy and jumpy like I’ve had a lot of sugar. I’ve been like that for 2 days…and its really freakin me out. Hopefully I can calm myself down cuz sometimes I repeat stuff I do over and over-its really crazy!!! Anyway, the other day somebody asked me where I wanted to go to college. Am I supposed to know? Cuz I don’t. My sister wants to go to the college my other sister is going. She’ll like it there, we lived there for like all of our lives till we left. I don’t know where I wanna go or want I wanna major in or anything like that. My best friend wants to go to college out of town and if i go back to where I’m from she probably won’t be there. I was playing hopskotch today (yeah, I know, kinda elementary but I made my board go up to 30-elementary kids do 12..which is too little) when I thought of how long it had been since I played games outside like this and thought bout how everything is different.

One day I’m gonna have to have an idea of what I wanna do with my life, now I don’t worry about college and stuff. I think about other stuff…sometimes the future like the upcoming week but not years ahead. I guess I wish some things would stay the same or I would know the answers to all the questions I have. From the “narrow-minded” questions that a 8 year old would ask like what the heck is cat nip (sp?) and why it has to be so hot/cloudy to questions that a person my age or older asks. I dunno though, I just need to think about what I wanna do to find whatever it is I guess. I don’t worry about that-but I do admit I worry of other stuff. I worry a lot. (Another blog entry though.) Right now though I need to figure out how I can clean up my room and what I need to stop holding on to. I wish I could hire someone to do this all for me, that’d be one less thing I’d have to worry about cuz I wanna go to the movies.